The Dark Ways of Nergal
by General Subwoofer
Summary: My old humor fic that I do not find amusing anymore. Oh well. Some people liked it, got a fair amount of reviews... yep. Read at your own risk, my writing has become much better than this.
1. Idiocy Loves Company

_Why hello there! I'm General Subwoofer, here to share my first fan fiction ever! Now, because its my first, feel free to give constructive criticism so I can improve my work in anyway. So about the fic… well, I was thinking the other day, "I wonder if the bad guys underlings had other, stupid reasons for attacking our beloved group of heroes?" and "I wonder what Nergal does in his spare time when he's not taunting our said band of heroes?" So I put 2 and 2 together, and got the idea to write this. So anyway, please read and review_

_**Disclaimer- **I do not own Fire Emblem. Nintendo owns Fire Emblem. Please do not sue me._

_Well, here goes nothing…_

Chapter 1- Evil Plans Aplenty

(1 year before Lyn's adventure)

It was a dark and stormy night on the Dread Isle, Valor. In the forlorn citadel of the Dragon's Gate, a figure in dark robes was sprawled out over a rather uncomfortable- looking armchair in a deep sleep, snoring very loudly. All was still in the room, with large black books thrown all over the ground, when suddenly, in the dim light, a man with a dark hood walked in.

"This is a message from kitchen staff: Your roast duck is finished, Lord Nergal." The mysterious man said in an obnoxiously loud, robotic tone.

Nergal bolted out of sleep and fumbled for his copy of Ereshkigal. "Wha… what… Oh, its you, Denning. Yes, thank you for your message."

Denning quickly walked out of the room, and Nergal was left slumped over his desk.

"Sheesh." He thought. "My life is so boring! I haven't thought of an evil plan in years!" He then looked at all the books scattered over the ground. "And I haven't read a new book in ages. My old pen pal Teador's always telling me to read _Eclipse_, but it's always sold out at Ostia Book Emporium…" Lost in his own thoughts, Nergal slowly got more and more drowsy. (He didn't have to eat his dinner, because he wasn't really mortal. He just did it to put his morphs to work.) Finally he fell into sleep, dreaming evil dreams…

"Denning! Get over here!" Nergal hollered. Nergal had woken up, and he had a look of urgency and excitement on his face that just read "I have a really evil plan cooking up…"

Denning quickly came to his master's side. "This is a message from Denning: What is it you request, my lord?"

"Go and fetch Ephidel, Limstella, and Sonia. I have assignments for them." Nergal said

Denning went off again, 10 minutes later, came back with Nergal's best morphs.

"I hope this is important, Master Nergal! I was in the middle of gloating my superiority and insulting all of the others." The whiny Sonia complained.

"Oh, don't worry, my servants. It is very important. You see, recently had a most peculiar dream. It involved these Dragons, and some person with green hair…, and some shadowy assassins, and two other guys with the green haired one… and me getting wicked powerful and burning all my enemies to a delightful medium rare crisp."

The morphs were silent for a long time as Nergal smiled and waited for an answer.

"Are you sure that turban doesn't have some sort of magical hallucination dust sprinkled in it?" Ephidel said with a sneer.

Nergal became enraged. "HEY! No sarcasm! I thought Kishuna was the only one I made with a personality!"

"Where is Kishuna, by the way?" Ephidel asked.

"Chapter 23x- Genisis, if I'm not mistaken. Which I never am, mind you." Sonia replied.

"Or it could be Chapter 22x if you're playing Hector mode." Limstella said monotonously.

"He also might be in Chapter 19x- Imprisoner of Magic." Ephidel added.

"This is a message from Denning: Don't forget about Chapter 32x- The Value of Life."

"WILL YOU SHUT UP AND ANSWER MY STUPID QUESTION! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT." Nergal yelled in a fit of rage, then proceeding to annihilate an armchair with his dark magic.

There was a long pause as the dust cleared, until Limstella spoke up. "Master, what does your dream have to do with us?"

"Ah, yes. So I went through all the tidbits of my dream, until I realized what it meant: I'm going to take over the world!" Nergal yelled as he struck a dramatic pose.

"Lord Nergal, you always try to take over the world, but your plans are always destroyed by the laws of physics!" Sonia whined.

"Ah, but this will be different! You see, I figured a few things out, and I need your help to bring my prophecy to life." Nergal turned to Ephidel. "First, Ephidel. You will get as many generic fighters under my command as possible. Bandits, mercenaries, anything. I will give you further instructions after you have completed the task at hand."

"I don't understand why I doing this, but alright." Ephidel muttered as he did his teleport thing, vanishing in a puff of smoke.

Nergal then turned to Limstella. "Limstella, I need you to gather lots of quintessence for me. That means murdering pretty much everyone you see."

"As you wish, my Lord." Limstella said in her usual robotic monotone voice as she suddenly vanished from the room.

Sonia ran to Nergal and put on a puppy dog face. "Lord Nergal! You have a job for me, right?"

"Of course Sonia! You will find the nearest group of assassins, and pretend to love their leader. I don't care if he's the ugliest man in the world, we need to get the assassins on our side."

"That's pretty specific…" Sonia began

"Silence! It is part of…The Prophecy!" Nergal announced, adding a dramatic pause in his proclamation. (It's a little known fact that Nergal wanted to go to the Araphen Academy of Arts and Theater, but was rejected. That began his slow descend into villainy and/or incompetence.)

"Hmph! I hate this job, but if it serves you well, Master, I will do it. I am your best servant, after all! Tee-hee!" Sonia also disappeared in a flash.

"Denning!" Nergal cried. Denning rushed to his side. " Check to see if any of my book orders came yet." Denning gave a salute and scurried off.

Nergal walked out to his balcony overlooking the island and sea and smiled. "Yes, soon, all of Elibe will be mine. And this time, I won't make any stupid mistakes… like the last three hundred and… what was it again"

'Seventy- three, if I remember correctly." Ephidel said dryly behind Nergal.

Nergal bolted up and spun around, confused. "What… Ephidel! I told you to leave! Stop listening to my private ramblings all the time! Wait… how much do you hear! Are you always skulking around like that! You… don't know about the whole Denning thing… do you? …Ephidel… Where'd you go!"

Of course, Ephidel had already fled the place, chuckling at his master's insecurities.

Nergal continued to search for the shadowy morph, but then just gave up, disgusted. "Ugh! I'm going to bed. No one respects me around here…" he growled as he marched off into his room.

_What are Nergal's plans? Will he ever get the respect he deserves? And why is Sonia always so scorned and annoying? Find out (maybe), in the next chapter of… **The Dark Ways of Nergal!**_

_Short chapter, I know. If you want please review. It would really help me out. See you later_

_-General Subwoofer _


	2. Intense Negotiations!

_Hello all! I'm happy with the reviews I got, and I hope to improve on what you've suggested. (That means Denning won't scurry anymore!) Speaking of Denning, I don't think he gets enough fics with him as a character. Well Denning, I just wanted to say that I support you, and will make you a character in my story no matter what. Sure you got only one line in the entire game! Who cares! You're still important in your own special way! Well, the entire point of my story is to write about rarely used characters (Batta the Beast, Lundgren, Glass, Teador, etc.), so I think Denning deserves a part. But enough rambling. So anyway, here we go! On with the fic!_

_**Disclaimer**- I do not own Fire Emblem, but I do own… wait, no I don't. Oh well, I guess I just got my hopes up…_

Chapter 2: Ephidel's Negotiating Abilities!

On the beautiful plains of Sacae, a small fire could be seen blazing on top of a hillish mound. Around this fire was several men, apparently camping out in the plains. However, upon further investigation, it could be seen that a rather childish man was jumping around the fire, yelling.

"Yay! Fire burns big!" Batta, or Batta the Beast as he was known in several bandit cults, screamed in excitement as he watched the fire rise up and down, burning as most fires usually do.

Generic Brigand 7 sighed. "2, you think we should tell him." He said with some sadness in his voice.

"Yeah, he needs to know. It's been 3 days now. Poor kid." Generic Brigand 2 replied, getting up and walking towards the smaller, blond bandit who was captivated by the flames.

"Well, here goes nothing." Generic Brigand 7 said as he also got up to follow his companion.

Batta noticed the two coming to him, and got even more excited. "Friends! Look at the village burn! Time to pillage!" Batta yelled jumping up and down in glee.

Generic Brigand 2 took a deep breath, and spoke. "Yeah Batta, that's what we need to talk to you about. You see, the fire there… it's not a burning village. It's… just a campfire."

"Wh… what…" Batta said confused, the excitement quickly leaving his face.

"We haven't pillaged a village in 6 months, Batta." Generic Brigand 7 sadly said. "In fact, we haven't even done a single bandit like thing in that time."

"But… why!" Batta said, rage slowly entering his body.

"Because…" Generic Bandit 2 then stopped, looking at his friend for help.

"Because of you, Batta." Generic Bandit 7 finished.  
"Me!" Batta yelled, getting more and more infuriated.

"Yeah. Every time we try to sack a village or rob a merchant caravan, you always do something stupid to mess up our plans."

Generic Bandit 7 looked at Generic bandit 2 and started laughing. "Remember that time when Batta insulted that wandering tribe of swordmasters? He said to stop wearing their hair so long?"

Generic Bandit 2 grimaced. "Don't remind me. That Karel alone killed half our clan just by doing a badass pose before fighting!"

'Now, your very smart and well- read brother Bartre told us to take care of you, and because he's my friend, I did it. But now, I don't think we can keep you anymore." Generic Bandit 7 said, putting his head down in sadness.

"Batta… you're fired." Generic Bandit 2 said as dramatic music suddenly kicked in.

"But… but sir! Please!" Batta begged.

"I will have no further discussion on this." Generic Bandit 2 said, getting up with his companion and leaving.

Batta suddenly got very angry, and pulled a huge axe seemingly out of nowhere, and charged at the Brigands. "You can't fire Batta the Beast! AHHHH!" he screamed as he swung with all his might right at the off- guard bandit's necks. His axe cleaved into them, but instead of them falling to the ground, it was Batta who did it, walling in pain as he rolled all over the ground.

Generic Brigand 7 slapped his forehead in disbelief. "Batta! I told you never to use the Devil Axe! You have no luck at all!"

"Come on 7, let's leave him. For every time he's accidentally hit himself with the Devil Axe, 50 of our clan have accidentally been killed by him during training."

The two bandits left the pathetic bandit screaming in pain.

"Ah! Batta's body burns in pain!" he wailed, rolling on the ground.

And all the while, Ephidel had been secretly watching this pathetic spectacle, his sides splitting with laughter.

"Oh man!" he managed to get out, wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes. "This guy is so incompetent! Just like Nergal likes em'!" There was nothing Ephidel loved more than mocking incompetence, so he quickly teleported to Batta so he could begin what he called, "The Sport of Kings".

'You know," Ephidel sneered, phasing in right next to the half- dead bandit lying on the ground, "People as stupid as you should be using weapons. I think it breaks some sort of safety ordinance."

"Who… who you callin' stupid, crazy man." Batta said through gasps.

"What color is the grass, Batta?" Ephidel said, smiling slyly, pointing to the very greenish ground.

"Uh… uh… color?" The bandit replied, very confused.

Ephidel had a look of half- pity, half- contempt on his face. "Well then, I guess that proves that I am, indeed, calling you stupid."

Batta did not reply, as he continued to try to comprehend the question. "Color" he mouthed to himself.

"Oh for Elmine's sake!" the sage yelled as he almost pulled out his long black hair. Dealing with idiocy was not his strong suit. Well, dealing with anybody was not his strong suit, actually… Ephidel took a few deep breaths, and then continued. "All right Batta, here's the deal. Nergal needs pawns for his evil plans to dominate the world. Now, here's you contract to Nergal." He said, summoning a scroll and quill out of mid- air. "You see, the local law states that one cannot be forced to sign something without their consent. So, I have an interesting deal for you. I have a vulenary right here. I notice that you bleeding to death. If you don't sign the contract, I'll allow the bleeding to continue, and I'll get a good laugh out of it. But, if you sign this, I'll allow you to live." (If an intelligent person were in their company, he/ she would have clearly heard the "for now" he muttered under his breath after his statement)

"Batta don't wanna die! Batta wanna burn things!" The half-witted brigand said.

"Batta, please don't talk again. I'm doing everything in my power to resist blasting your imbecility off the face of the planet." After cooling down, (he had to do this many times during this negotiation) he began again. "And finally, do you know what a 'legally binding slave/ meat puppet' is?"

"Meat…" Batta whispered, salivating in hunger.

"I'll take that as a… no. That's good." Ephidel said scornfully, tired of all the idiots he had to put up with. "OK, Batta. We're done here. Just sign on the dotted line."

Ephidel gave him the quill, and all Batta could do was study it in wonder. After a few moments of this, Ephidel snatched the quill away from him and wrote 'Batta' on it.

"All right." Ephidel said, tossing him the vulenary. "That was a very… productive meeting. Now, you're going to be warped involuntarily to the Dragon's Gate in a week. Let's hope I never see you again." And with that, Ephidel teleported out of the field, leaving Batta all alone to his thoughts, which were currently revolving around meat.

Ephidel phased onto the Dread Isle seconds later, when we suddenly clutched his head. "I lost too many brain cells talking to that guy. Nergal owes me for doing all of this." He then took out a clipboard, and checked off 'Batta'. "All right, who's next." He thought. "Hmm… Glass, level 3 mercenary, says the Gods fear his name… Ugh! Why do I have to deal with all of this incompetence!" He screamed as he teleported away, dreading his next inane meeting.

_Poor Ephidel! His genius doesn't get a break, does it? Thankfully, the next chapter won't be an inane meeting with Glass, but instead, a totally different perspective. (First it was Nergal, then Ephidel) I have a lot of ideas for this fic, and I really hope that this chapter was good. Well, keep reviewing! I'd love to here from all of you guys about what you think. And don't be afraid to criticize (at least constructively). See you next time!_

_- General Subwoofer _


	3. The Fang's Judgement

_Hello all! I'm glad at the response I've been getting about my fic. I'm pretty excited about it, and I have my "plot" all set up. This time, I'm going to try to do Sonia's chapter. Now, I'm not what you could call a Sonia fan, and quite frankly, she gets on my nerves to no end, so I hope I don't portray her in too bad of a light. And for all you Black Fang fans out there, this chapter will include all your favorite assassins from our favorite shadowy band of criminals! So anyway, away we go!_

In a crowded mess hall, a motley band could be seen set around tables set in rows. As you looked to one of the tables, a large, brown haired man in an unbuttoned brown- red overcoat eagerly plunged his face into his dish of assorted meats and potatoes, devouring it like a starved hound. Meanwhile, a blond man with a goatee and a green overcoat looked very embarrassed, glaring at the eating man.

"Linus, please! Even though we're in a band of assassins, at least try to have _some_ sort of manners." The blond said with disgust in his voice.

Linus looked up from his plate and grunted. After swallowing the enormous amount of food in his mouth, he said. "Lloyd, you've got to stop being my mother. Who cares how I eat my food! I'm a hungry guy!"

"Yes, but brother…It's important to have a little dignit…"

"Oh there you go again!" Linus yelled in a typical brotherly bickering way. "You just want to impress all you fangirls with your fancy manners!'

Lloyd blushed, and looked down at the floor. "I… I don't really like all the girls…" he muttered.

"Oh please! I know what you do with them." Linus said smirking.

"It's true, Linus." Legault said, seemingly appearing from nowhere. "I've even watched him."

Lloyd was taken aback, shocked. "Legault… where'd you come from… and WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM, WATCHING!"

"He he…" Legault chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his head, "Well, I just…"

"YOU PERVERT! THIS IS THE, WHAT, 8th TIME I'VE CAUGHT YOU!" Lloyd screamed, losing his usually calm demeanor and taking out his deadly sharp Killing Edge from its sheath.

"Peace, brother!" Linus shouted, restraining Lloyd from killing the terrified thief. "Besides, it's my job to overreact about things!"

"Oh yeah." Lloyd said softly, calm slowly returning to him. "Sorry. I was kind of out character there, wasn't I?"

"I certainly wasn't, though." Legault said, sitting back down and adjusting his headband.

Uhai watched all of this, disgusted. "Everyone is insane here…" he muttered, scratching his beard.

* * *

After the every eventful mealtime, Lloyd and Linus left the mess room, heading to their father's office to report their doings for the day. 

"Legault…" Linus muttered, chuckling.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO BRING THAT UP AGAIN!" Lloyd yelled.  
They continued to walk in silence, when suddenly Linus began. "But you've got to admit it was…."

"THAT'S IT!" Lloyd screamed, tackling Linus and choking him.

Meanwhile, Sonia teleported into the Black Fang headquarters, right in front of Lloyd and Linus's brawl. And she was kind of embarrassed as she saw Lloyd and Linus lying on top of each other in a rather awkward position.

"Am I interrupting something." She said sarcastically. (I'm really sorry, I just couldn't resist putting that whole part in. Sorry for all the anti- yaoi/ incest people. I just did it in fun! Don't kill me)

Lloyd and Linus shot up from the ground, their faces burning red.

"No! No! It's not like that! I was choking him! Really!" Lloyd stammered.

"Yeah! It's true! He was trying to kill me!" Linus added, trying to maintain dignity.

"Of course he was…" She said rolling her eyes.

After the embarrassment, Lloyd and Linus finally were clear- headed enough to actually see Sonia, which really isn't a good thing. The two swordsmen's jaws dropped as they looked at her.

"What are you cretins staring at!' Sonia snapped.

"Is this… one of your… fangirls?" Linus said, lost for words.

"N… No… None like… her…" Lloyd replied, stuttering.

"Of course I'm not a fangirl!" Sonia shrieked. "I am the glorious servant of Nergal, not some groupie!"

"O…K. So what do you want?" Linus asked.

"Little boys like you need not know! Now get out of my way before I turn you into ashes." Sonia said annoyed.

"Hey!" Linus roared, grabbing the massive sword he had strapped on his back and pulling it out.

Right before he swung, Brendan came out his office, with a ticked off expression on his face.

"Hey, I'm tryin' to work here… whoa." He yelled, suddenly stopping as he saw Sonia.

There was an awkward silence for around 10 seconds, which was finally broken by Sonia's "Is this the Black Fang's leader?" to Lloyd.

"Dad? Yeah, he is." Lloyd said, confused.

Sonia took a good long look at Brendan Reed, a rather old, scar- ridden man who defiantly wasn't the ideal picture of "attractive".

"Nergal, you owe me for this." She muttered, trying to suppress her white- hot fury with her fanatical devotion of Nergal. Sonia took a deep breath, and began. "So…" she purred in a sultry voice, "You must be that handsome…" she stopped talking and took out a sticky note with something written on it. Uh… Brendan Reed, yes!

Brendan blushed and fidgeted nervously. "Heh heh… handsome?" he asked.

"Oh yes!" she continued, stroking his arm. "You're such a strong man."

"Well, now that you mention it, I am pretty strong." He laughed, flustered.

Lloyd slapped his forehead. "Dad, you can't be falling for this woman, can you! She's obviously trickin…"

"Hold your tongue, boy. The adults are talking right now.' Sonia snapped at him.

Lloyd scowled at her, and Brendan got angry. "Lloyd! Don't be so rude to a fair lady!" he yelled.

Lloyd tried to argue, but was shut down by Brendan's "No".

Sonia gave him a malicious smile and continued. So anyway… wait, where was I again?"

"You were talking about how handsome I was." Brendan said, eager for more praise.

"Oh yeah… right. Well, I'm kind of tired of doing that, so let's cut to the chase, alright?" Sonia said annoyed.

"Um… OK…" Brendan said, pretty much ready to agree with anything she had to say.

"Good, good." She said, suddenly snapping her fingers and making a contract appear out of midair. "So, the deal is that you make your assassin group the legally binding puppets of Nergal. I don't really want to go through all the details, but you pretty much have to do everything I say. Are you following me?"

"Yeah…" Brendan said, still in the love daze.

Linus was more observant than his idiot father, however. "Dad! This is insane! There's no good for us!"

"Sure there is!" Sonia said nervously. "Well… there's… um… me?"

"Sounds good to me." Brendan said excitedly. "Where can I sign?"  
"Don't we have any say in this?" Lloyd said desperately.

"No." Sonia said flatly, then summoning a quill. "Ok Brendan!" she said eagerly. "Just sign here!"

Brendan snatched the quill, determined to sign the paper. Suddenly everything went in slow motion. Brendan signing, Linus screaming and rushing to push his father away from the fell contract (Get it! Fell Contract! Even more ironic is how you get it from Sonia after you kill her…), Sonia noticing Linus and proceeding to grab her Fimbulvinter (Spelling?) tome, and Lloyd charging at Sonia to stop her magic attack.

The results were not pretty. Brendan managed to write "B" on the paper before being taken down by his son, who was frozen to the ground 3 seconds after by Sonia, who was in turn was tackled by Lloyd.

"Get off me now!" Sonia screamed at Lloyd, who was currently ripping out the pages of her tome with his free hand. "Brendan, get your perverted son off my body!"

"Can't… help… you." Brendan gasped, who was being crushed under the weight of the giant ice block who was Linus.

"Ah!" Sonia screamed as she struggled to get free of Lloyd's grasp. Suddenly, she remembered she could teleport places, and did so to the opposite corner of the room. Grabbing the contract, she muttered "I guess It'll suffice.", and stuffed it in her boot.

"COME BACK HERE WITH THAT CONTRACT!" Lloyd yelled, getting to his feet and unsheathing his sword

You'll pay for your intrusion on my personal space, boy… You'll pay!" she spat, proceeding to teleport out of the building.

Lloyd just stood there in disbelief, trying to take in all that had just happened.

"Son…" Brendan gasped. "I think I'm getting… frostbite."

* * *

Legault walked into Brendan's office, whistling a lively tune. "Hey boss, you won't believe what Uhai just… whoa." He suddenly stopped as she saw the spectacle of Lloyd holding a torch towards an ice block containing Linus, with Brendan shivering below it.

"Don't want to know, not going to ask…" he muttered, going about face and leaving the room. It was just an ordinary day in the Black Fang in his mind.

* * *

Sonia teleported outside the Dragon's Gate, in a very bad mood. "Nergal! Why did you make me do that! Ugh! It's going to be so frustrating for me to work with those… people!" she muttered, storming into the main entrance. Suddenly, she stopped and put her hand to her face in a panic.

"I… broke… a…. nail…" she mouthed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

_Review Response Time!_

_Levenbreech Vor- Ugh. Harsh. Methinks your expecting a bit too much from a Fire Emblem humor fanficion. Perhaps you're unaware of the differences between fan fiction and "Great Expectations". I mean, I'm trying my best to create a humorous story portraying the villains in a silly way, and here you come expecting an epic novel? I'm kind of offended my that. And another thing: you say my humor is too "in your face". Although I disagree with you, even if it was as you say, who cares? It's a humor fic! I'm supposed to be generating laughs from everyone, not wry chuckles from intellectuals alone. And for being a fan of subtle humor, you sure liked my "meat puppet" comment! I really don't mean to offend you, it's just that you seem disappointed with my fiction, and I really can't improve on anything you've suggested without totally changing the genre. _

_(Don't worry, readers. I know this guy. He just really hates my love of fan fiction, and stops at nothing to stop me from writing this! But my actual views about his review are true. I'm proud of my work, and plan to keep it on its track that it's going on.)_

_RLnaruhina- Thanks for your support! Yeah, I really like the bad guys too! As for who will appear next: well, I've got a few people in mind… _

_Humanna- bound- Um… yeah… Thanks for your… enthusiastic response. I never thought of Nergal as "Super- cute", but hey to each his own, right! I hope you like my story, and… um… LOL! (I'm not very good at this new- fangled IM speak…)_

_Narakusnoone- Good idea! I completely forgot about Nino before you said this. So thanks for jogging my memory!_

_Sardonic- Kender Smile- Nah.. I like your Ephidel! Thanks for your review, and thanks for enlightening me about Nergal's little- known musical abilities! Who would have guessed? And yes, the bad guys do indeed rock. Us fans of the bad guys must unite and overtake the fans of the good guys in a glorious government coup… or something. Anyway, I love "Huzzah", and am really excited about what's happening in it. You know… I actually say huzzah as an exclamation a lot! Huzzah!_

_Lord of Pastries- I'll have you know that Batta is awesome. It's just that he's so misunderstood! So anyway, thanks for your positive response! And two reviews for 2 chapters! That's amazing! _

_Lemurian-Girl- Uh- oh! I just stereotyped the whole idiot community with my portrayal of Batta! (Gets mobbed and beaten my hundreds of angry people) Ouch. Anyway, thanks for the review. I forgot to thank you for being my first reviewer ever! So thanks! Everyone in my story thanks you too, especially Batta, because you stuck up for him! So anyway, thanks aplenty! _

_Lao Who Mai- Was Sonia more to your liking (or disliking, if you're sane) this time. And about Denning scurrying: well, I've always imagined Denning as a scurrier, but because you had the fortune to review in the first chapter, you're suggestion was noted, and will be remedied immediately! And I really encourage you to write. I've been reading fan fiction for a few years, and when I finally had the courage to write something and post it (pressing the "submit" button was very hard for me), I ended up having a blast writing it. I just hope your having as much fun reading it! Anyway, if you write, I hope to be the first to review it, because you were one of my first reviewers ever. You'll go down in history as the prodigious 2nd reviewer!_

_CheesePolice- I'll take (fair) criticism from anyone, no matter what his or her writing talent! I am an equal- opportunity listener of reviews! But thanks for your review; it really warms my heart to see my hard work be appreciated!_

_Dr.D76567- Well it looks like Mr. Digimon got lost and wandered into an unfamiliar neighborhood! Be careful: there are some shady people who hang out around these parts (kidding). Thanks a lot for your positive review! I'm glad you, my more clear headed, fan fiction learnt friend can say nice things, unlike my other buddies (here's looking at you, Vor!) Thanks, D! Can't wait to read your upcoming story!_

_Well, that's all! I'm sorry for the more risqué chapter. It's just anything with a combination of Sonia and Legault is bound to be like that… But anyway, I'm so happy I got to write about the Black Fang today! Fortunately, they will be playing a substantial roll in this yarn. Well… don't forget to review! I really glad the community is so great here to review and such. See you next time! _


	4. At Home With Nergal

Hello all! Sorry I'm so late. I originally was going to post it 2-3 weeks ago but a combination of re- writing/slacking has delayed it. But I'm back to write up the ongoing adventures of our favorite villains! Today I'm bringing us back to the home front! Nergal will get all the headaches that his underlings have had lately. Well, let's begin, shall we…

_**Disclaimer-** I don't own Fire Emblem, but I do own the character of Captain Lafarge, the sarcastic yet lovable ninja priest… Who is not in this fic, nor will he be in any other fic. In fact, I just made him up. But who knows! Maybe he'll work his way into the yarn (hopefully not)…_

_Chapter 4-_

In a sparse field of weeds on the dread isle of Valor, many scarecrows were stuck in random places in the field, seemingly for no purpose. Suddenly, their purpose became painfully clear as a beam of darkness struck one of the straw men in his chest, exploding him in a hellish blaze of fire and shadow.

"Oh yeah!" Nergal yelled, throwing his hands in the air in triumph. "Nergal: 1, Scarecrow: 0!" Nergal relished "vacation time", what he called the time in which his high- ranking morphs were gone. Sonia and Ephidel were always being smartasses around him, Denning was annoying as hell and Limstella was pretty creepy. He found that he could really connect with his inner- self at these times.

"Ah, it's good to be alive!" he yelled in glee. Suddenly the Sound of Music theme song started playing. "THE HILLS ARE ALIVE," Nergal belted, running freely in the hills, throwing his arms in the air. "WITH THE SOUND OF MU…"

"Grandpa Ner-gal!" a child's sing- song voice could be heard from behind him. The music abruptly ended as Nergal swung his head back in surprise. It was Nino; Nergal was horrified to find out, giggling. "What are you doing, Grandpa Nergal? And where's was that music coming from?"

"Uh… well." The dark druid said embarrassed, his eyes avoiding contact with hers. "I was just… practicing my evil schemes… Yeah, that's right, evil schemes.

"Oh! I see. You're going to take over the world with your screaming powers, right?" Nino said excitedly.

"Screaming powers?" he asked confused.

"Yeah! You know… that terrible sound you were just making with all the music."

"I always thought I had a good singing voice." He mumbled.

"What was that?" she asked.

"Nothing… nothing…" he said. "Now be a good girl for… Grandpa… and run along. Go play with Jaffar or something. I busy right now."

Nino pouted. "But Jaffar is so BORING! All he does is stare at me and sharpen his daggers! Your fun! Your do all the exciting stuff! Hey, I know! Teach me how to blow up stuff! You do it all the time around the base when you're angry and grumpy. Yeah! That'll be FUN!"

Nergal was slowly getting a splitting headache as Nino went on and on with her mindless drabble. Soon rage totally overtook him when she started to talk about ants and how funny they were.

"STOP TALKING, INSOLENT CHILD!" he screamed, lightning suddenly piercing the sky, loud thunder shaking the ground like an earthquake. "I… AM… ON…VACATION!"

"Uh oh. I made Nergal mad! Run!" Nino squealed, running the opposite direction from the enraged Nergal as fast as her legs could take her.

"Grrr… I'll get her someday." He sighed, with the thunder and hellfire leaving the sky. With the whole atmosphere ruined, he forlornly trudged back to the Dragon's Gate. "I'm getting too old for this…" he muttered.

Nergal slept in his special dark wizard throne, (an item imperative for all evil masterminds to have in their lair) snoring incredibly loud. His peaceful slumber was soon interrupted (Hey! This is just like the first chapter!) by a sarcastic, cutting voice.

"Having a good break from your big plan, aren't you boss?" Ephidel sneered, teleporting next to Nergal.

Nergal stumbled up quickly, frightened. "You… get away from my hair… Nino." He yelled in a slurred voice. "I don't want… braids. Don't want… nothing like that…"

Ephidel smiled with a look of pity, noticing the bottles of ale strewn all over the floor, a trickle of beer trickling down his chin.

"Drowning out your sorrows with alcohol, eh boss…" Ephidel wryly chuckled.

"No!" Nergal said, bolting up, trying to cover up all bottles in embarrassment.

Ephidel snickered at his lord's incompetence, and began to contemplate why the heck he was serving this guy.

"Anyway," Nergal said after getting himself together. "Why are you here? I send you to do… stuff."

"Well, unlike you, I'm a genius, so I did some complex equations to do my job very quickly." Ephidel said haughtily.

Nergal nodded. "That sounds good to me." He then paused. "Wait… I sent you to recruit people! What does math have to do with it!"

Ephidel stammered, "Uh… um… well, if I explained it, you wouldn't understand. Piccolo players like yourself shouldn't get caught up in these matters."

"I can do more than just play the piccolo, you know! I act as well! Remember my one man play?"

"You mean, _The Young and the Homicidal_? Oh wait…" As Ephidel remembered more and more, he started twitching uncontrollably.

"Ephidel, I think you have something in your eye. Maybe you should get that checked out…" Nergal said, noticing the sage's chronic wincing.

"No, it's… nothing…" Ephidel said, the bad memories slowly leaving him. "So, back on topic. I have a bunch of guys under your employ, just like you asked."

"Ah yes! Those guys! Send them in!" Nergal said, excited for his new minions to come.

Ephidel whistled, and suddenly all the men, which was about 20, warped into the room, very confused.

Ephidel folded his arms over his chest and nodded in satisfaction of his handiwork.

"Excellent Ephidel! You did it! I see a pay raise in your future!" Nergal said in congratulations.

"Does this also mean I get a nice, long vacation?" Ephidel asked eagerly.

"Don't push it. Alright, he we go." He said, taking a deep breath and beginning his proclamation.

"Welcome, welcome, welcome, Grand Army of Nergal, to the beautiful Dragon's Gate! We hope you enjoy your stay! Please register at the front desk!" Nergal said excitedly.

Ephidel sighed in frustration. "Nergal! This isn't a hotel!"

Nergal turned to Ephidel, frustrated. "Ephidel! We need to welcome out guests with open arms, not shun them away. Trust me: I know how to employ people."

"Yeah, the fact you created all of your coworkers sure shows that fact…" the sage said, smirking.

"Must you me so sarcastic all the time? Anyway, I must continue my speech…"

Nergal turned around to a stunned crowd and smiled. "Anyway. I just want you all to know that you'll be regarded as family here. Now I'm sure everyone's asking…"

"…How we get out of here…" a person in the crowd sneered.

"…what your 401(k) package looks like." Nergal continued, unphased. "Well, let me tell you that I've created a very nice benefits package for you all, which we will go into further detail in on day 3 of the seminars, right after the one about money management…"

"WHAT!" the entire crowd yelled.

"Well, what did you think! I was going to let you all become minions without proper leadership and financial backgrounds, did you! I'm not sure if Ephidel told you this, but when you signed up to work for me, you signed up to work for Valor Engineering Systems, my company that I run here."

Ephidel slapped his head in frustration. "Nergal! I didn't hire this people to work in the cubicles of your stupid bankrupt company! I thought the plan was to make them bosses of levels!"

"Was that really the plan?" Nergal asked.

"Of course! It was your idea!" Ephidel said in rage.

"Man. Then I must be getting the wrong messages from Denning…" Nergal said, thoughtfully.

"Or maybe you've been drinking too much Ilian Rum…" Ephidel remarked, grinning.

"Hey! I am not a drunk! Oh wait…" Nergal than turned around to see the audience staring in confusion at the two bickering mages. "Geez. I've got to remember I'm on stage…" he muttered to himself.

Nergal continued his long, long, long speech, and most of the gathered minions were thinking, "What the hell am I doing here…"

3 long hours later, Nergal's pathetic speech was done. Most of the people left very confused, that is, if they weren't in a coma already from the mind- numbing drabble that Nergal's talk mostly consisted of. Nergal, however, was quite pleased with himself.

"So Ephidel, how do you think I did up there?" he said smiling, walking out of the hall.

"Awful." The morph said bluntly, angry from the migraine that plagued him as a repercussion of listening to Nergal's talk.

"Oh, you don't have to lie to me. It wasn't the BEST speech ever, you know…" Nergal laughed.

"Do you even listen to a word I say?" Ephidel said in disbelief.

"What was that?" His master asked.

"I guess not." Ephidel muttered, disgusted.

"So Ephy…" Nergal began.

"Don't call me that…" Ephidel jabbed.

"Sorry. So EPHIDEL… I was thinking that maybe we could celebrate our success in the plan with a round of drinks later. What do you say?"

"Um…" Ephidel said, trying desperately to think of an excuse. "I have to… do important morph… stuff. Like right now." He added, rushing off.

"Oh well." Nergal said, plopping down on the couch, very proud of his achievements. "Denning! Come over here!"

Denning suddenly appeared in front of Nergal, ready to do as he said.

"Get me a drink! The best ale we have!" the Druid said excitedly.

Denning did not move. This not moving lasted for several minutes, until Nergal sighed, and walked to the back of Denning to see the problem.

"Uh! Broken calibrator… busted speech regulator… FLUX!" Nergal exclaimed! " I really HAVE been getting the wrong messages from Denning…"

_I didn't really know how to end it, but always had a sneaking suspicion that Denning was a machine…_

_Anyway, I hope you guys liked that. I had to stay up 'real late to finish that last part, so I don't know what exactly was typing. I hope it was good, though. Anyway, thanks to all my readers and to all who reviewed. Now, I'm not really sure about how the reader response thing goes, and I don't think I'm big enough to defy the system, but I'd like to thank Lemurian-Girl, Rlnaruhina, Dr. D, baka-schala-neko-chan, Levenbreech Vor (kind of), Draknal, Sardonic Kender Smile (have you updated "Huzahh" lately?), Dairokkan, Frodo007, Lord of Pastries, Narakusnoone, and The Hero Hartmut. I'm really sorry that I can't write more about your reviews. Maybe when I know more about this ban… Anyway. Thanks all! I'll write the next chapter quicker…_

_P.S- For the one who asked; yes, Legault is very sneaky… and he digs Heath… a lot. With all the comments that he makes in the Heath/Legault convos, it's easy to see that. So I decided to make Legault kind of a pervert. Hey! I'm exaggerating character traits here! Plus, Legault is like that in a lot of fan fiction I've read…_

_ P.P.S- For those of you who are confused about the "piccolo" thing... It's just a joke I made about Sardonic Kender Smile's review. Just to clear things up (if any of you even cared...)  
_

_But in short, Legault rocks. He's in my top 3 favorite characters!_

_- General Subwoofer_


	5. The Deadline Tightens

_Y helo thar everyone! I'm back for the silly ongoing adventures of Nergal and Co. as they prepare for their part in Fire Emble. Watch as Ephidel fries minions to a fiery crisp! See Lloyd be brutally accused! Witness Nergal get a mysterious package! It's all here! So watch and learn of the untold adventures of the evil crew! You'll have fun! You'll laugh! You'll cry! BE PREPARED!_

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* * *

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Ephidel paced down the hallway, looking very pissed off. Of course, he was always kind of pissed off, but right then he was really angry.

"Sweet Elmine!" he yelled. "This is never going to work in time… where are those slackers!"

Barging into the door he was looking for, he saw a group of brigands, mercenaries, and archers playing cards on the floor of the meeting room, scripts and papers on the floor, completely disregarded. The minions looked up from their game to see a red-faced morph, eyes burning with hate.

"WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU FOOLS DOING!" Ephidel screamed in fury. "WE ONLY HAVE 18 HOURS! WHO IS IN CHARGE HERE!"

Everyone was still, until a fighter stood up, knees shaking.

"Are you responsible for this?" Ephidel asked in a low, menacing voice.

"Uh… yes." The bandit began, trembling. "But, if you… let me explain… I…. AHHHHH!"

In a flash of lightning, the bandit was thrown into a wall by a searing bolt of electricity that collided into his chest with grim lethality.

Putting the copy of Bolting back into his robes, Ephidel muttered something about "crappy magic resistance", and then continued. "All of you will get back to work, or I bring out the S ranked spells. Is that UNDERSTOOD!"

The minions quickly nodded, and Ephidel picked up a copy of "Nergal's Big Book of Minion Quotes", and smiled wickedly.

"I will now give a quick quiz to make sure you are prepared. First up will be… Dimitri! Recite your battle quote."

A ragged looking brigand stood up, his knees on the verge of buckling in fear. "Um… uhh… 'What are you doing….' No wait that's not right. 'How dare you de…' No, that ain't right neither. Uh… can I have a minute to stud…. AHHHHH!"

A bolt of electricity also hit the bandit, this time flying through the roof, creating a human shaped hole in the ceiling. In disgust, Ephidel put his book away again.

"Insolence!" Ephidel yelled. "And look! My Bolting only has 3 uses left! 3 USES! All because of you FOOLS! Migal, recite your death quote NOW!"

Migal closed his eyes, muttering something to himself. After a long time of preparing himself, he began. "Ugh... You'll live to regret this... My brothers... The Ganelon bandits will not let this stand..." Finishing, he put his hands together and desperately started praying.

Ephidel flipped through his book, looking in "Lyn Bosses" section.

"Good, you are correct. You will be the boss of Chapter 3- Band of Mercenaries." Ephidel said, a bit disappointed he wouldn't be able to destroy the bandit.

Migal sighed in relief, getting enthusiastic high- 5's from Generic Archer 67 and Generic Brigand 49.

"Now! You will all be studying your scripts. Unless you would like to end up like that fool." Ephidel sneered, pointing to the pile of ash and bones that was their old leader.

"Sir, yes sir!" The bandits replied, smartly saluting to the disgruntled sage.

Ephidel walked out of the room, satisfied with the work that he had just done.

"It's good to be the king." He said to himself, smirking.

* * *

_Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock tick, tock…_

Linus impatiently paced the room in which he, Legault, Lloyd, and Ursula were waiting. Continually watching the large grandfather clock, he ground his teeth and was muttering something to himself.

"Linus, will you PLEASE stop doing that?" Ursula said annoyed.

"What am I supposed to do? We've been here for 5 freakin' hours! Aren't you getting a _little_ bit frustrated."

"Yes, but you don't see me running around like a big idiot." Ursula snapped.

"I swear, girl." Linus said, gritting his teeth and putting his hand on the handle of his broadsword. "Give me more sass and I'll cut you where you stand."

"Linus. Stop overreacting. We'll all get through this. The Fang won't be defeated by boredom." Linus said calmly, in the middle of sharpening his beloved Light Brand.

"You could always play poker with me, Linus." Legault said, taking out his pack of cards from his satchel.

"No way. You cheat like a dirty rat." Linus said sharply.

"Suit yourself." Legault said as he set up to play solitaire.

Minutes went by like hours as the Fang continued to wait for the supposed leader of the group that mysteriously hired the group of famed assassins. Lloyd and Ursula talked pleasantly to one another, Legault ended up falling asleep on his cards, slightly drooling, and Linus shiftily looked around the room, talking to himself quickly and quietly.

"Linus sure is acting crazier than usual, Lloyd." Ursula said with some concern as she looked at Linus grabbing at his hair and chanting something to himself.

"Oh, he gets like this when he's away from violence for long periods of time. As soon as we get out of here, I'll probably let him chop a beaver in half, or something. That'll make him feel like himself." Lloyd replied, sounding like this has happened many times beforehand.

"That's probably a good idea. It's not healthy to… OHMYGOSH IT'S SONIA!" Ursula exclaimed as the bitter sage entered the room.

"Oh no. Not her again." Lloyd muttered, putting his hands on his face.

"Well if it isn't the insolent twerp who tried to take advantage of me, and your insolent brother who looks on the verge of a breakdown. And who might this girl be?" Sonia said looking at the excited Ursula, who was quickly rummaging through her handbag, grabbing a pad of paper and a pen.

"SONIA! I AM YOUR _BIGGEST_ FAN!" Ursula screamed like a little schoolgirl, jumping up and down and putting the paper at her face. "CAN YOU SIGN THIS _PLEASE_?"

"Uhh…" Sonia said, very confused. "Who are you?"

Trying to calm down, Ursula began, "My names Ursula and I think you're the coolest ever! Ever since I saw you on the cover of _Dominatrix Weekly_, I wanted to be JUST LIKE YOU!"

"Oh, that is so… sweet." Sonia said in half confusion, half satisfaction, grabbing the quill and quickly sketching her name in fancy lettering in the small piece of parchment and throwing it back to the hyperventilating fangirl.

"Oh… my… god…" Ursula whispered as she clutched the paper with shaking hands. "IGOTSONIA'SSIGNATURETHISISTHEBESTDAYOFMYLIFE!" She exclaimed suddenly in one long word, running around and finally leaving out of the door Sonia came from, screeching in victory.

"Anyway…" Sonia began, still confused. "I have your mission list from Lord Nergal. You BETTER read every INCH of it, or I'll have you fed to the dragons."

"Wait a second… DRAGONS" Linus yelled, seemingly awakening from his psychotic slumber. "No one told me about stinkin' DRAGONS!"

"Did I say "dragons"?" Sonia said, nervously chuckling and furiously shifting her eyes around the room. "I meant… Dra….goons. Yes! Dragoons. From Final Fantasy Tactics. Yeah."

"Dragoons? They're not in Fire Emblem." Lloyd said skeptically. "No one can do that super jump thing with our physics."

"Uh… well… with Nergal's magic, anything is possible. Now let's end this conversation and talk about how you're going to have to be taking care of my daughter from now on."

"WHAT!" Lloyd and Linus screamed in fear at the same exact moment.

"You can't be serious!" Linus shouted.

" You've already MADE us work for you, now you're MAKING us take care of your daughter?" Lloyd asked with some anger.

"Of course I am! Come on out Nino! See your new brothers!"

"BROTHERS!" The siblings screamed, clutching each other in fear.

Before anything else could be said, a young girl with short green hair scampered in the room, clearly very excited.

"Nino, say hello to your new playmates.' Sonia said with a wicked grin.

"Mommy! Oh thank you so much for my new brothers! We're going to have SOOOOO much FUN!" Nino exclaimed, hugging the dismal brothers, who were eying each other with dread laced in their expressions.

"Oh… yes." Lloyd said weakly. "Lot's of…fun."

"Fun...fun…fun…" Linus murmured.

"Well, I'll leave you all alone for a while, let you get to know each other." Sonia said wickedly, walking out of the door. "Have fun."

The door slammed, and the 4 of them (in case you haven't noticed, Legault's been asleep) were left staring at each other in stony silence.

"You know…" Legault said, waking up from his slumber, "I'm pretty good with kids..."

"What's your name, mister?" Nino said sweetly.

"Legault." The thief said coolly, swishing his hair back and striking a rather dramatic pose, which Lloyd and Linus rolled their eyes at.

"OK! Then you can be my Uncle Legault!" Nino said, clapping her hands and hugging her new uncle figure.

"Wait a second! I can't be your Uncle. I'm in my twenties! If I was your Uncle, that would be kind of… weird…"

"It's no stranger than a lot of the stuff you do, Legault." Lloyd said with a smirk.

"Yeah, like spying on Lloyd's…"

"I TOLD YOU TO NOT BRING THAT UP!" Lloyd bellowed as he threw himself at his brother, attacking the bigger surprised man.

"I bet 10 bucks that Linus wins." Nino whispered to Legault regarding the fight that had broken out between them.

"Oh, no way. I bet 10 that Lloyd wins. You should see him when he gets all riled up about his private life." Legault replied, slapping a handful of gold pieces onto the floor.

As Lloyd repentantly wailed on his brother, and the gamblers watched in amusement, hoping that their man would emerge victorious, Sonia suddenly entered the room.

"Oh yeah, one more thing. Nergal wants you to… oh geez! This is just like the last time I interrupted you boys." Sonia said with glee as she saw Lloyd lying on top of his brother (Why must I keep doing this! I'm really sorry for all of this. Again).

Lloyd and Linus, like opposite magnets, flew of each other at an incredibly high velocity and immediately began rattling off excuses.

"Oh no, don't apologize boys." Sonia said giggling. "It's just that… if you're not trying to get in bed with me, your doing it with your brother…"

"Or the fangirls." Linus added, smiling.

Lloyd clutched is blond hair and fell onto his knees. "WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO MEEEEEEE!"

Denning quickly walked down the dimly lit hallways of the Dragon's Gate in complete silence. Reaching a large door, he knocked rapidly on the oak entrance.

"Come in." A voice from within commanded.

"The door opened wide, and Denning scurried in, shuffling to a large throne turned away from him, with a mysterious figure sitting out of sight.

'This is a message from your optometrist. Your prosthetic eye has arrived." Denning said in a dulled monotone.

"Ah! Excellent!" A voice exclaimed as the chair spun around, reveling a very excited Nergal. "Please! Let me see it!"

Denning put the box on the desk, and Nergal ripped it apart like a wild dog in his enthusiasm. When it was finally opened, he gasped, taking the eye of the box, and starting gazing at it. The hideous, bloodshot thing must have greatly appealed to the dark wizard.

"I can't wait to see how it looks…" he murmured as he put the fake eyeball over the real one, pasting it on with a wad of glue. Taking out his mirror, he grinned from ear to ear.

"Why, I even look more evil than before! It really looks like my eye was horribly disfigured in some accident. But how would I say it got there… Oh I know! I can say it's Athos' fault. Yeah, that sounds like a good theory…Now Denning!" Nergal suddenly said, snapping the morph to attention. "Your next assignment is to get me a nice, black turban. Not too fancy. With a long piece of cloth at the end."

Denning bowed and teleported out of the room to do his master's strange errands.

Nergal sat back in his chair and closed his eyes.

"Ah, yes." He muttered to himself. "All my plans are going exactly according to…" Nergal's thoughts were immediately interrupted by a sound of cracking thunder, horrific screams, and a malicious laugh that seemed like Ephidel's/

"FOOLS! I TOLD YOU TO READ YOUR LINES!" Ephidel's voice bellowed, accompanied by more horrific cracking sounds.

Nergal slumped down in his chair and sighed.

"I think I'll take that back…" he muttered as he began to bang his head against the desk.

* * *

_I'd like to thank all my reviewers: you're the greatest, guys (and girls). I'm going to use this new little "Reply" tool to see it that your reviews are answered. And if you have any requests, use that other new tool, the "User talk" thingamajig. Oh yeah. I'm sorry about the yaoi content. It's just that… I thought it would be funny, you know? Anyway, read and review! I hope to here from all of you!_

_In case you didn't know, what Ursula said is roughly translated to "I got Sonia's signature this is the best day of my life." Just so you know... _


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